today is already third of January. and yet here i am, wayyy left out in posting an entry for the occasion. is it because i'm lacking the enthusiasm for celebrating the new year?? nawww... it's because i'm too preoccupied with my new hunny~~ ngeheee his name is kuro-nii. huhu three weeks ago i finally lost kuro-tan.. huhu due to my clumsiness, i lost him.. and only 3 days ago i bought a new phone. hehe i've been in love with this phone ever since kuro-tan showed symptom that's he's going to fail me.. and i named him kuro-nii (black no 2). hehe this new black is way sleekier than kuro-tan. hehe the down side is i can't set my fav song as its ringtone. maybe there's a way in doing that. i already searched on the net and found one, but haven't try it yet.

haha enough about the phone-talk. this entry supposed to be about new year right? i ought to be talking about resolutions and such..

well, last working day last year, hehe i meant to say on 30th December 2010, 3 days ago, i was listening to the radio, IKIM channel. hehe even I listen to ikim at times, mostly on the way back from work because usually i go back around maghrib time. and i was saying, there is a slot for a tazkirah, a topic on new year celebration of course. this ustaz was saying, before we go off to listing our new year resolution, we first must do a postmortem of the year. go through our resolutions of the current year, defining whether we had achieved our goal(s) of the year, and if we failed, to find out what are the reasons for the failure(s). he said we should find out the reasons, but not excuses. excuses won't bring us anywhere. and after finding out the reasons, to think of solutions to work it out. and to execute. in order to work this out, we must stop BANGAU-ing.

what the heck is that, you ask?

oh see, there is this old folk song we Malays sing in our childhood, it goes like this:

bangau oh bangau, kenapa engkau kurus?

macam mana aku tak kurus, ikan tidak timbul.

ikan oh ikan, kenapa engkau tak timbul?

macam mana aku nak timbul, rumput panjang sangat.

rumput oh rumput, kenapa engkau panjang sangat?

macam mana aku tak panjang, lembu tak makan aku.

on and on it goes until,

ular oh ular, kenapa kau nak makan katak?

macam mana aku tak makan, memang makanan aku.

the song goes on and on since each character in the song gave excuses for whatever situation they were in. until the snake put a stop to it - it says it's hunting for the frog because it (the frog) is what it(the snake) eats..

the point is, stop making excuses every time you're stuck in some deep sh*t. try to move forward. if a great wall is stopping you, move around it, somehow look for a way to pass it through. seek help, whatever, just don't sit there like a lump of meat, defeated, composing heaps of excuses should anyone would ask. you could always turn around, go back to your starting point, perhaps think about things you've done wrong, ways to get around it, and start over. no one is rushing you. it's not just about the destination, but the journey itself is darn important. it is life.

talk about rushing things out, two weeks ago i had an emotional breakdown.

if you read my new year entry last year, you would probably remember how i was in blues thinking that i'm getting another year older and yet i am still alone. well, it's not happening that way this year. because i am no longer alone? nawww... wrong answer.

i met a guy, and he's wayyyy younger than me. and he expressed his interest in me. i was puzzled. dear God, is this the one you sent to me? there was no way to find out, except trying to get to know him. knowing that he's sooo much younger than me. then i accepted, OK, there is no way in hell He sent this boy for me. and i softly pushed him away.

then, a friend introduced me to her hubby's best friend. he is a nice guy. we got along quite well. then he expressed his love for me with 3 roses. in 1 week. dear God, i wasn't flattered, i was getting scared!! this guy is serious and i was still struggling to get to know him. i feel nothing for him. then one day (week 2) it struck me. i don't dislike this man, but i can't like him. all i've been doing is look at his good points and make myself believe he is a good man. but do i like him? no.. it gave me an emotional breakdown. i cried myself out, thinking, oh God, is this really for me? do i have to accept anyone who comes into my life who i can't reject? just because i am getting old and perhaps i won't be getting any other chances?? it was such a great blow for me, it was so unfair. the thought "I have to" really made me damn depressed. is it so impossible for me to meet someone i like and likes me back? really? because i'm old??

then i went to see my best friend bart. and as always, her words put me at ease. why should i force myself? why am i doing things i don't like? don't i believe in Him? i have right to make my own choices. so what if i choose wrong? i'm a human after all, of course i make mistakes. why should i be afraid of making mistakes? have faith in Him. maybe He has other agenda for me. i don't feel IT with him, so maybe he's not the one. why should i feel rushed? why should i feel like my age is chasing me? age is not stoppable. it will come as it pleases. just let it be. i will try to go with my own pace. not feeling rushed. enjoy the journey, enjoy the life.

i said this before, in my previous entry, there are many blank spaces in my life. but my journey is still long (unless He said otherwise). who knows what i will find along the way? i look forward to continuing my journey this year. welcome, 2011!! :)